Why being a mom is a little like riding the Texas Giant.

I've decided that being a mom is a bit like riding a roller coaster. Being pregnant is sort of like waiting in the never ending line, winding through roped off lanes but never actually moving more than a few feet from where you started. You see everyone ahead of you doing this thing and they seem to be having fun. Your feet are swollen and you are mildly uncomfortable and whatnot but look at how much fun everyone is having, right? Then as it gets closer to being your turn you get the nervous sweats and start that high pitched laugh that you do when you are anxious. You know the one I mean. Finally you get to the front of the line and they strap you into a small metal car and you know you have hit the point of no return once that shoulder harness clicks into place. You wonder why such an extensive restraint system is required but quickly throw caution to the wind. The ride has begun. And that is just the thing about babies. Once they come out, you can't put them back. You are strapped in for the duration. As soon as the ride starts you realize that you have no idea why you thought this was a good idea, but as you start climbing your excitement builds. You take the first drop and your heart races. Somewhere in this wildly exhilarating yet simultaneously terrifying blur of time, you go upside down, someone in front of you spits into the wind which boomerangs the spit straight back into your face, you are not entirely sure but you think you may have swallowed your own vomit, and you definitely peed your pants a little. But as the ride begins to slow to an end you realize that you accomplished something. You faced your fears and won. And even though your hair is disheveled and you have bugs in your teeth, you can't help but feel like this was one of your greatest moments. I think that is sort of what it feels like to be a mom. Hopefully at the end, you can look back and feel that sense of pride and accomplishment in spite of the gray hair and cellulite and extreme fatigue. But sometimes along the ride you just need someone to remind you that you are not going to die and this is supposed to be fun.

I feel like the last stretch of time in our family has been full of twists and drops and thrills and turns. And that is all fine and good. But tonight I hit that small space of time where you get to catch your breath before the next big climb. And I needed it. I need margin in my life. Call it what you will- down time, solitude, peace, stillness. Margin. Life has just been busy lately. Nothing bad, but not a lot of time to stop and regroup. Then tonight, Mike was gone and it was just me and the kids. It was time to tuck everyone in, and my 11 year old, deodorant wearing, size 9 footed, middle school son looked at me with such sincerity and said "Mom, I think doggie might be lonely." He has held on to this remnant of his childhood mostly because I cry whenever he mentions getting rid of him. Don't judge. I am overly sentimental, but at least I am self aware. So, I quietly picked up doggie off his couch and heard him whisper "You might as well bring bear too." And somehow this small reminder that he is still my little boy ministered to my heart in such a precious and timely way. Thank you, Lord, for the small reminders of the things in life that truly matter most. And thank you, Carter, for the reminder that this whole ride is supposed to be sweet and fun.

Ready or Not

School starts tomorrow. It seems like the question that people ask frequently is "are you ready for school to start back?" Well, ready or not, here it comes! I jokingly tell people that the entire month of August is like venturing through Dante's inferno, slowly journeying through different layers of hell. It starts with trying to balance and resolve a master schedule. Next is open enrollment where seemingly hundreds of people come to MHS from the ends of the earth with no paperwork and little patience for the enrollment process. Then you pass out preliminary schedules and are slammed with students and all of their preferences and shattered dreams and whatnot. Next teachers come back. More preferences and shattered dreams. Then comes fish camp with oodles of kids and limited air conditioning. Then you reach the sheer fiery pit that is the first day of school. I have no words. Just come to work with me on Monday and you can see for yourself. So perhaps I am a tad bit jaded on all of the back to school excitement because August is like trying to take a sip of water out of a fire hydrant. Truly. I have scarcely been wearing pants all summer. And there is no gradual transition back. You just have to jump in and pray.

So, when people ask me if I am ready for school to start back, I smile and make up some pleasant answer about school being more fun with kids around. But in my heart I want to tell them that asking me that question is like asking a surgeon if they are ready to encounter mass trauma. 

Here is what makes the start of a new school year fun and exciting. I have these two little people that are literally giddy with excitement for Monday. As a mama that has spent her entire career investing in other people's kids, I cannot tell you what a blessing it is to see them on the receiving end of the blessings!

This summer, I spent countless hours with just the two of them. We laughed, we worked, we read and snuggled, we played games, we swam, and we were perfectly content to just be. I don't know if this is normal or not, but something inside me says that I am in a slim minority of moms that truly never get tired of their kids. They love each other fiercely. They are almost always together. Carter is protective of Evyn. Evyn adores Carter. For an entire 6 weeks, we lived on an island with very little outside influence and were all perfectly content. I know that I will look back on these days with gratitude and joy. But all good things must come to an end. As I write this, there are empty lunch boxes waiting to be packed and pencils waiting to be sharpened. So, I thought I would take just a few minutes to capture who these two amazing people are before they start a brand new adventure tomorrow.

Evyn is sunshine and joy. She makes the world a funnier and more entertaining place. She loves big and has all the feelings. Sometimes at the same time. She is tender, compassionate, artistic, and social. She makes friends everywhere that she goes. She is my kid that will jump in the deep end regardless of whether or not she knows how to swim (luckily she does). Evyn loves all living creatures. We currently have a pet duck. I know. I didn't know that was a thing either, but it brings her so much joy, so why not? One of life's greatest joys for me is listening to this child sing. This morning in church she was singing her heart out in worship and I had to stop singing and collect myself because it was such a precious blessing. I found a piece of yellow construction paper in her room today where she has been writing her own song about God. She amazes me. I also love listening to her pray. It is an Olympic year, and the other night at dinner she prayed thanking the Lord for the athletes and their "sculpted bodies" and special talents asking that they would remember to give "all the glory to God." Who is this kid? She has a depth and wisdom and insight about the world that astounds me. She almost has an instinctual sense of knowing when someone needs a kind word or a hug and looks for ways to be a blessing to others. She is generous with everything that she has. saving her allowance for 5 months to buy a robot dinosaur for her brother's birthday. She is so excited to start second grade for a variety of reasons. They will be changing classes between two teachers, which is a pretty big deal. And, this will be her first year to be at Miller without bubba. She will be picking up a younger friend at the end of the day and feels ever so grown up about it. Also, her first grade teacher asked her to come back and read with her kids during intervention. I watched her stand taller and beam with pride when she asked her. After her open house, I asked her what she is most excited about and she told me "I cannot wait to have some more responsibility." That is my Evyn. She fearlessly embraces whatever comes next. I watch the confidence that she exudes and even though everything within me wants her to stay small forever, I am so proud at how ready she is to tackle the world. 

Some changes in life are slow and gradual. You can see the transition happening but you have time to process it all and absorb it. And then there is the kind of change that I have watched with Carter this summer. He truly was still my little boy in May. And now, everything about him screams middle school. Having worked in a middle school for five years, I am the oddity that truly loves this age and it has been a hoot to watch him navigate some of the awkwardness of this transition. His feet seem to grow an entire shoe size every 6 weeks. At this rate, he will have bigger shoes than Mike next year! He had the "growing up" talk at school last spring and checks on a regular basis for body hair, which he thinks is hilarious. And, he is starting to develop a sense of modesty, insisting on dressing and undressing in privacy but will still walk through the house naked. He has his combination locks all ready for day one and has walked his schedule multiple times already. And even though he only has one class with his bestie, he is not intimidated or nervous in the slightest. Maybe the thing that I am most struck by is how much I trust him. I trust his judgment, his integrity, his work ethic, and his ability to choose friends wisely. Part of me feels like I am allowing him so much freedom right now, but I truly believe that he is equipped to handle it. He will play percussion in the band, start tennis, and is in a pre-engineering program that I know he will love. I am anxious to watch him go to his first school dance or get a note in his locker from a girl. Carter is normally somewhat reserved and quiet. He is definitely an introvert. However, he has been talkative and nonstop excited about starting Middle School. I hope that he has so much fun and makes friends that he can navigate through this weird stage of life with! He outgrew his bunkbeds this summer and is settled into his big boy room. And the funny thing is that it just sort of feels right. He got his first real pimple last week. And was excited about it. He is thoughtful, responsible, gentle, and tender hearted. Watching his courage and drive on the baseball field makes me emotional. Because as much as I want him to be successful at everything that he does, part of me knows that he could be spared from the heartache of failing if he was just content to be on the sidelines. But that isn't Carter. He plays with heart. And you know what? He's pretty good! And he learns from his mistakes and sometimes even laughs about them. He is an amazing young man with so much to offer the world. Go be salt and light, sweet boy!

So, as I brace myself for the inevitable sweaty chaos that I will step into on my first day back, I wanted to stop and remind myself that there is much to celebrate tomorrow as well. Thanks for an incredible summer, kiddos. It is my greatest privilege in life to be your mama.

(Also, Carter I need you to remember in 10 years that on the way to church today, you voluntarily offered to move in next door to me once you are all grown. A promise is a promise, son.)

The days are long but the years are short.

My big 5th grader.

I remember a dear friend telling me when Carter was born that the days are long but the years are short. Like any new mother, I nodded my head and pretended to understand but knew that in reality it would be ages before my kids were old enough for middle school or deodorant or adult sized clothes. And then something happened. I blinked and my son is getting ready to start middle school.

I have been a school counselor for 14 years. I have assured countless parents that growing up is an exciting thing. I have tried to put their minds at ease while they let go and send their kids off into the next chapter of life. And I truly believe that everything I have ever said to an anxious parent was good rational advice. But now I am the one dropping his hand and sending him on his way. And my heart feels uncertain. 

Here's the thing. I know he will be fine. Better than fine. He is going to love middle school and make all kinds of new friends. He will be in band and probably have his first girlfriend. He'll navigate passing periods and locker combinations and public showers. And he will continue to be the amazing kid that he is. But he will need me less and that scares me just a little. So, I'm torn between knowing that I would never intentionally stunt his growth while simultaneously wanting to put him in a jar and freeze time. 

I'm trying to channel my inner crazy and cling to something that another very wise friend said. She has two beautiful adult children and she said "Every phase is my favorite." I am sure that I will have more than one teary meltdown over the next few months, but I am going to intentionally hold on to this truth. I have savored his childhood. I treasure his innocence. I want to still have influence in his life. But I will choose to trust that the Lord's plans for him are even better than my plans. 

And in the mean time, I will take time to appreciate that every now and then he still sleeps with doggy.

Sunrises and Sunsets

I'm completely unaware of what the protocol is for when someone has dropped out of the blogosphere and then suddenly attempts to start writing again. So, let's all just play it cool and act like it's not a big deal that I feel the urge to write and am actually acting on it. 

Here's the thing. My life is rich and full and happy. I feel blessed in so many ways. And I don't want to lose that. Who knows if blogs are still a thing when my kids are old enough to surf the web without all of the parental safeguards and whatnot, but if they are, I want them to stumble upon this and know how satisfied I am with my lot in life. So, no promises. Maybe I'm back in the saddle, and maybe this is a passing urge. I guess we'll see. 

We just survived time change with daylight savings time. It doesn't matter how old I am or how old my kids are, this rocks my world. I either am falling asleep in my dinner or wide awake in the middle of the night. I just need the ability to hard reset somehow. That said, I have loved driving to work while the sun is coming up. Each day is painted with possibilities and promise. The colors are never the same. Sometimes you can still see a hint of the moon as the sky fills with color. It is inspiring. The same is true of a good old fashioned sunset. Especially in West Texas, there is just nothing like it. But the thing about sunrises and sunsets is that they are breathtaking but fleeting. And not to detract from the glory of a sunny day or star filled night, but their beauty pales in comparison. I find that sometimes in life I'm too busy, distracted, lazy, or overwhelmed to even notice the sunrise. I guess as a metaphor, I'm becoming more aware of how quickly my mommy years are flying by. Sometimes, I miss the brief glimmers of jaw dropping wonder because I am far too focused on the long, hot season ahead. I don't want to be that person. 

Allow me to paint you my sunrise moment today. This afternoon, Evyn wrote a book called "God's love." It is written in her best first grade handwriting on a tablet of blue sticky notes. Each note says something different. God is love. God is hope. God is life. God is kind. God is loyal. God is smart. God is a savior. God is with us. You get the idea. She was so proud to give me her masterpiece. And I was able to stop and look directly at the beauty of the moment. The gift of her enthusiasm and love of our Lord. Her precious generous spirit- so eager to give me a gift. Her spelling- because honestly, what 7 year old knows how to spell savior. 

I guess my point is that life is so fleeting. Maybe that is why I want to write- it is my feeble attempt to capture more of it. You know, take a snapshot of the beauty. I don't want to forget. Or even if I do, I want to take the time to fully appreciate the sunrise while it is happening. I want to live intentionally. 

So, on the off chance that anyone reads this, thanks for playing it cool. Let's see what snapshots of life find their way here!

Evyn May

This child makes me smile. So much personality for such a little person!!!

 

Firsts (and lasts)

I love the start of a new school year. I love the smell of new crayons and primary colors and freshly sharpened pencils. I love the promise of a new start. And, even though the next statement makes me sound desperately uncool, I love routine and structure and order. I love the freedom of summer, but I also get excited about the start of something new.

Here is Carter on the 1st day of 2nd grade:

And sweet Evyn on her first day of 3 year old pre-school:

 

One of my favorite books is "Let Me Hold You Longer" by Karen Kingsbury. It is a beautifully written children's book that reminds me that while "firsts" are fun to celebrate, "lasts" are important too. The thing about lasts is that so often we don't see them coming. I can't clearly remember the last time that Carter counted to five-teen or the last time that Evyn called a feather a tickle leaf. Those sweet little moments came and slipped away with no fanfare. I am mindful as my kids continue to grow up and discover their autonomy and independence that each day is a gift to be savored- possibly a "last" that I want to hold onto. So, when my monkeys crawl into my bed during a thunderstorm, I am grateful that my presence comforts them. And as I feel like I am washing Evyn's hair for the millionth time, I reflect on what a precious addition this little girl is to our family. Because before long, I won't have little people in my bed or conditioner up to my elbows. Evyn can buckle her own car seat now. My days of buckling are over. While I celebrate the seatbelt revolution that is happening in my garage and I certainly don't miss the diaper bag days, I am also keenly aware that my "babies" are getting big!

 

So, while I feel the need to commemorate the first day of school for these two little people that I love more than life itself, I pray that God will slow me down enough that I will notice and celebrate the little daily moments that happen between the "firsts" and the "lasts."

Marking Time

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of saying goodbye to my dad. It's funny how we place so much significance on numbers and dates and attach such sentimental meaning to arbitrary days. But we do. We mark the time. I remember waking up the morning after my dad died and thinking "Today is the first day of my life that I have lived without my dad." I felt lonely and uncertain- just like a child, and it occurred to me that you are never "old enough" to lose a parent.

And of course you prepare yourself for the big days- first Christmas, his birthday, Father's Day, etc. I guess what keeps catching me off guard are the little days. The unexpected moments where I find that my dad completely consumes my thoughts. The first time his Mii popped up on the Wii, I fell apart. And when I saw maple candy at Christmas time, I stood in the store and cried. Ragtime music, stargazing, and apple pie all make me stop and pause. New Year's Day was brutal- the realization that my dad would not be part of any of 2012 broke my heart. I guess that maybe I am learning that life is more about the little moments than the big ones. And maybe that isn't such a bad thing to be reminded of.

There are the ordinary days where I wish that my dad could see how big Carter looks without his top tooth, or where I know that he would relish how snuggly Evyn is, or the pride I know he would have watching his grandson play the piano, or when I just wish I could hear his voice. Last night I had a dream about my dad. Nothing strange or particularly memorable, but he felt close and I woke up so thankful for the gift of his memory.

Somehow I feel like the "recency" of losing him makes it more normal for my heart to still ache so much. And for that reason I am dreading the end of this "first year." In my head, it is more normal for me to still be a bit of an emotionally unstable mess within the window of a year. Almost like after tomorrow comes and goes, the hurt is supposed to dissipate. And as backwards as it seems, I don't want the pain to go away because it almost feels like I am betraying him if my heart starts to heal. Even as I say that, the rational counselor in me knows that healing is healthy and good and that life goes on. I am like the kid who picks off the scab to get a new bandaid because the bandaid reminds others of your pain.

I guess when I stop and reflect on what I have learned this year, there are a few things that stand out.

• I want to live my life intentionally, like my father. 
• It is always worthwhile to invest in other people.
• Life is full of change. Learning to adapt to your new reality is critical.
• Tears are OK. 
• This life is temporary, and should be treated accordingly. Our promise lies in eternity. I want to live a life that will make a difference in the Kingdom for eternity.

I love you, Papa. Not a day goes by that I do not think about you. So, tomorrow I promise to reflect on the life you lived instead of grieving the end of it. I miss you.

Love, BugBug

Old Friends and New Beginnings

What a blessing it is to have a friendship where time and distance don't separate your hearts. Brigitte has been an answer to prayer for me since I was 16. She is home on "Stateside assignment," and we got to get together for the first time in 3 years this week! What a hoot it was to watch our kids play. And what a sweet time to get to sit and visit and laugh. My heart is happy!

Trinity is hilarious! Brig and I always used to tease that sweet, reserved Brigitte would have loud and outgoing kids like me. We were right! She is so funny and kept us in stitches the whole time. And Carter and Grace might have just had a little spark! (wishful thinking)

In other news, I am now a high school counselor. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing and am terrified that kids will not graduate because I am their counselor. But I am having fun. I think that this will be an exciting new chapter in my life. In somewhat related news, I was walking up the stairs at central office today, when one of our assistant superintendants asked me to pick up my foot. I completely thought that I must have stepped in poop or tracked in mud. But then, he looked at the bottom of my flip flop and said "Oh, those are the cheap ones." Not sure how to properly respond to that, I said "I thought I stepped in poop." All in all, I will call that one of the stranger professional encounters I have ever had. Just another day in the life of Kristen!

Easter Weekend

Easter always means a lot to me as a believer. It is a sweet time to refelct on the selfless sacrifice of Christ. It is a time of new life, new beginnings, new hope. And it seems to me that Easter is all the sweeter after a drab winter. Even the colors associated with Easter bring hope and make me smile. Maybe it is because this is my first Easter without my dad, but I am especially thankful this year that we have the promise of eternity. And maybe I am just being sentimental, but this year I am grateful for the little blessings in life like two healthy kids that adore each other and time to spend with my family.

Thank you, Jesus, for loving me enough to die for me.

We had a fun time coloring Easter eggs, which is always a challenging task for the OCD part of me to turn over to the kids. But I let them do this with minimal maternal involvement, which is progress!

And if you go to all of the trouble to color eggs, you should certainly hide them in your yard and hunt for them multiple times, right?

And you have to take the traditional "hurry up and smile in the cold morning air so we won't be late for church" pictures.

Mom had us over to her house for a lovely lunch. And of course she hid eggs for the kids too!

I have just about decided that I might not get a picture of all four of us looking at the camera and smiling at the same time for a few more years. This is close. Please note my fancy Easter outfit. We worked the nursery and this was the best I could do. I always anticipate a sweaty time of spitup and diaper changing and dress accordingly.

Grammy and her babies.

Happy Easter!

Spring has Sprung

One of my favorite things about Spring is seeing my kids' arms and legs poke out of their clothes again. I know that sounds weird and a little creepy, but there is something so deliciously precious about their skinny little legs and bony shoulders. We have had an unseasonably warm (insanely hot) month of March, but I have thoroughly enjoyed shorts and sundresses on the monkeys! See for yourself how cute they are.